Rotten Eggs

I wasn’t sure how long the incubation period was going to be. The internet said it took exactly twenty one days for a chicken. I figured Wayne would take roughly the same. We were coming up for day seventeen so I thought his restlessness might have something to do with his impending hatching. I’d bought some cigars to celebrate on the big day which was daft really, I normally only ever smoke heroin.

We even started to get congratulation cards from friends and family through the post. I was deeply touched until Deborah began insisting that they were for her “real” pregnancy and not for a “fucking hard boiled egg in a hamster cage”. She said I needed to have a reality check and accept that she was with child. I put her irrational behaviour and pitbull like aggression down to hormones. I put my incontrollable bladder weakness and compulsive internet porn visits down to hormones also.

I suppose it wasn’t a big surprise to find out that I’d eventually knocked her up. I was so potently virile I’d lain a bleedin’ egg hadn’t I. Not many men could claim that. In fact, I was probably the only one. God, I should be on a channel five documentary or something. Where can I find Piers Morgan’s phone number? Those were my exact wandering thoughts as I ripped open a letter from the health centre. The fertility results letter, that is.

These are the kind of letters that should come with a disclaimer or warning on the envelope. “Caution: Life shattering news inside. Before opening, please have a warm sponge to hand in order to pack your innards back up inside after your rectum prolapses.” I slumped onto the sofa, crushed. I couldn’t have fathered Deborah’s baby. I was as sterile as a bottle of bloody Dettol.

I felt a lump. I fumbled about, double checking for any anal spillage. But what was causing my discomfort wasn’t my partially dry breeks. It was someone else’s. I pulled out a large pebble dashed pair of y-fronts from underneath the cushion. The unmistakeable smell of pork scratchings confirmed my worst fears. They were Barrys!